Crossing Over to Distant Shores (Part Ten in a Series)

Part X -- Paris Stories -- Sleep

[Interlude:  the human body shuts its systems down with amazing efficiency preparing for the transformation of sleep. The brain curates thoughts and memories like a director of a vast art museum; but when awake, stimuli evoke obvious reactions, whether provoking, eliciting, or sensory. Closely observing the response to a difficult question, like the one proposed by Gabriel to Charlotte about America, was curious.]

Charlotte looked at Gabriel and flinched, "What?" She seemed wide-eyed, caught.

"What do you mean: What?" said Gabriel. 
He watched her intently; locked stare, beating heart.

She was classically trained as a lawyer in school, but hadn't practiced as an attorney enough to learn how to lie very well.

"You... you mean what I said about crossing over, I mean jumping in?" She knew exactly what he was asking, and that Gabriel was smart enough to interpret her inner-turmoil, illustrated so well verbally by describing plunging into the cold water, swimming across. [See Part IX, previously posted]

This rare awkward moment between them now turned on how fixed their relationship was; and whether Charlotte's life-plan centered on French art, or U.S. law?

Gabriel softly probed this line of inquiry, once he saw Charlotte's flustered response to his stimulative question about the other shore (America): "I thought the way you described your dilemma was fascinating, since you mentioned it involved a destination?"

Strangely uncomfortable, Charlotte realized what she said about a distant shore came from a deep, subconscious place. She said, "To get to the other shore, I have to go across." But was this journey pre-ordained? Was it required? Did it seem unpleasant, and why?

They didn't discuss the future, nor did she know much about her own plans, at least in a cognizant, logistical way. However, her analytical mind worked constantly in the background, especially during the sacred hours of sleep.

"Maybe we should talk more about what you're thinking after your study term ends here in Paris?" Gabriel asked, in a classic flanking maneuver.

Charlotte grew up in a family where the dangerous currency of emotion was used or flashed only in extreme circumstances. Less mature emotionally as she appeared, for her crying was a weakness, in her unfledged opinion of herself. But here, with Gabriel, the floodgates opened, and she wished they were anyplace but in bed, where right now she felt vulnerable and weak. 

But she pulled him in like the moon created the tides, and as her emotions swelled, he felt fiercely protective and watchful over Charlotte. Gracious Gabriel held her close and they each thought about their own hidden interpretation of this "crossroads" meeting, like an evolving mystery. Charlotte was a long way from her home soil, confused and exposed. Gabriel was on the precipice of artistic discovery, and yet at the same time, in love with this fragile girl.

Youthful naiveté prevented them from forming future plans using as much skepticism as angst; but who knows the future, or can guess which path is the best? Life plays out like a book, with each year, and then each decade, reflecting a distinct chapter in our history. Sometimes chapters weave together as part of a larger storyline, but often one chapter abruptly closes the interplay of that particular representation of our lives, not necessarily influencing its outcome. 

Gabriel could not fathom what life would be like without Charlotte, but did he really know if this relationship was best for him right now? For a Frenchman he still was "conservative" with a lower-case "c" - even though he wasn't in the "elite" upper class, nor was he very religious; in his heart he envisioned having a traditional family, including marriage and children. If both lovers moved on, would they always look back to this fortnight in Paris as the highest form of a partnership they’d experienced? If what’s past is prologue, meaning the past has set the stage for the next act, as a prologue does in a play; how would the rest of their lives be changed by the decision today of whether Charlotte would return to America without Gabriel?

Silence enveloped the moment. Quietly, her sobs pierced the reticence either had to speak again. Enough had been said already; and they were together now, sitting at the edge of the water to which Charlotte referred, feared, but knew she had to confront.

to be continued...............

 ##

Fiction 2018©Mark Pillsbury

August National Geographic Magazine Cover Story on Sleep:
https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2018/08/

The Paris Pivot (Part V)

The Paris Pivot:

(Part V):

Until the first time he picked up a pencil, which saved him, and after failing out of secondary school, even a miraculous honorable discharge from the Armée de terre; Gabriel didn’t draw, paint, or visualize art at all. Instead, he suffered for 5 months under fumbling, misguided, veteran’s socialized medicine; mostly sleeping, in a bewildered confusion brought on by prescription drugs—numbing his senses and drowning him in a haze of disorder worse than the fog of war.

Gabriel almost didn’t make it out of the fog, but he made it to Paris.

I’ve labeled this chapter in his life the Paris Pivot, because it turned Gabriel’s life around. Concentrating on art as behavioral therapy rivaled whatever stimulant drugs (Ritalin), or psychedelic, organic tea had done for him so far. The tiniest details of his penciled drawings allowed him a portal to an awareness only achieved while meditating; but I experienced also the delicate social interplay between us focusing him intently, enlivening and stimulating him. Loosely called “flirting” in America, but very pedestrian in France, I didn’t know at the time whether a well-groomed American girl with a guitar could pull him out of his shell, but we recognized in each other an attractive detour from our pre-planned escape routes.

I represented for him a normal experience he could not have hoped to achieve while medicated. His depressive dullness kept him out of the cafés, and he was not self-confident enough to approach me at the time; even though his devilish grin and colossal frame, on the surface alone, made him radically gorgeous to me. I was falling backwards, spinning around, light-headed, over the moon, whatever you want to call it.

Out of the chaos of a mixed-up mind, he began to see eternal patterns. He drew the same self-similarity, or scaling, that is common among the seed patterns of flowers or trees. Even though Gabriel often seemed like a bumbling professor, or starving artist; his mind naturally pictured this famous ratio, with a long and honored history in mathematics, from Euclid and Aristotle to modern computer calculations. His black & white pencil drawings reflect the simple but divine “proportion” of Leonardo da Vinci, considered the most beautiful and important of mathematical standards.

Gabriel even sought the medicinal effects of mind-altering tea that has been brewed for centuries in the Amazon River basin. He found an underground tea-shop on the Left Bank, conducting ceremonial "tea-party" healing sessions where an Ayahuasca "potion" was served for many searching, tortured souls. Made from a blend of two plants, containing the hallucinogen "DMT" --  the psychoactive compound of organic elements provided a powerful, transformative, upending, "high," good for the ameliorating affects on numerous psychological conditions. Unfortunately, his brain activity changed little under the influence of ayahuasca, and the tea ceremony was anticlimactic. Gabriel's treatment-resistant depression was best fought by pursuing art.

He studied the nature of these forms and their relationship to each other (ratio), giving Gabriel a greater insight into the scientific, philosophical, psychological, aesthetic, and mystical laws of the universe. Natural inquisitiveness instructed him more than formal schooling; in fact, these symmetrical images opened his life onto a new path, resurrecting his future. During hours of meticulous sketching, grappling with all he had lost, fighting against the misunderstanding that dominated his existence before now; Gabriel used science to cure himself of dysfunctional mystery, reinventing and reinvigorating his soul. Detailed drawing was a small, simple way for him to express truth, and as deep as were his wounds, so deep too was the healing.

Failing to bring up the utility of studying law, nor my dusty, unstable ambitions of helping incubate struggling African democracies, we rarely discussed the chances that Gabriel could make a living painting, any more than to contemplate the average signing bonus for a beginning US “junior-lawyer”. His confidence, now rooted in his journey in the arts, also buoyed an exceptional faith in the rightness of his journey. Realistically, because I did not completely sell-out to my artistic abilities, instead falling back on my training as a lawyer; I was playing it safe while in Paris. But Gabriel didn’t have any other options, and I’ll admit to you here, that the question of whether his talent could carry him into his future, produced an unspoken tension between us. ##

Fiction 2018©Mark H. Pillsbury

Failed in London, Tried Hongkong: 

The tale of British expats abroad in Hong Kong, Lawyers in Love

Book Review: Jane Gardam Trilogy:

Lovers of English literature will enjoy the trilogy of books by Jane Gardam written in 2004, 2009, and 2013. These @EuropaEditions were recommended by @DeepVellumBooks which is a Dallas (non-profit) bookseller and publisher, from whom I purchased Vol. 1 for $20.00.

As we currently observe the political divide between nationalism and globalism, these books unfold with a backdrop of the historiography of the (declining) post-war British Empire, including a unique view of the colonialism, imperialism, mercantilism, and the legal-economic culture of expat lawyers abroad.

Author Jane Gardam takes the story of a love “triangle” of sorts, to Hong Kong and back to the "Donheads" of Southwest England, near Dorset. The trilogy’s emotional landscape plays out between two rivals and one eccentric woman, but Gardam’s immense talent as a writer fully illustrates and explicates many other quirky English characters from the Queen, all the way to the crazy town mail carrier.

The opening saga is entitled “Old Filth” about an English lawyer who, “Failed in London, Tried Hongkong,” or FILTH, as an acronym. “Last Friends” ties up the cast and their inter-woven lives in book 3, including 70 years of complicated friendships; however, as successful and dominant as these uppercrust Brits appear, like the British Empire, they often took wrong turns by making foolish decisions.

The second and third novels in the sequence are not so much sequels or “prequels” to the first, as they are augmentations, or different POVs. As the trilogy advances, the supporting characters from Old Filth emerge with their own life histories, altering, and occasionally exploding the first understanding of what occurred in the opening book FILTH. But to quote Gardam, there are “no minor characters” in life nor in these books.

Surprisingly easy to read despite my lack of knowledge of this particular niche of English culture, still I constantly looked up the meanings to “Brit” words, and sometimes didn’t understand their profession despite my own legal training. Empathetic writing kept my interest, sometimes relating to the characters, often feeling sorry for them,  but any anglophile would give these books ***** out of 5-stars!

Easy as A, B, C: Maturity and the Plight of the Litigator in the Legal Profession

Easy as A, B, C:

Maturity and the Plight of the Litigator in the Legal Profession

Recently, I saw the most trendy, upscale Justice on the Texas Supreme Court introduce an attractive new law clerk, also an attractive, voguish young woman, and it made me consider style versus substance? How can snappy young lawyers dressed to kill have the experience that years of legal battles give a seasoned litigator? It takes time, and handling thousands of files. So how can someone who just graduated from law school advise the highest court in our state? Maybe they should just look up case law at first?

Decompressing after another long conference call negotiating, I got off the phone and thought how many arguments I’d survived in 25 years in the legal profession. Sometimes it feels like all I do is quarrel. Any lawyer’s advocacy can result in conflict—it’s part of the job; if you play football you have to be ready to get hit. After every fight I wonder what I could have done or said differently, which is not an easy thing to do. Self-criticism is important, and we learn the best through adversity.

Without years of study and experience coming from preparing for disagreements and then plowing through the client’s legal and factual points from their frame of reference; young lawyers can’t know how to accept stressful encounters. Until they’ve lived through enough bloodshed to stay calm, engaged, and strategic, even during the opponent’s barrage, they don’t realize the toll taken by advocacy. Even though many young lawyers have early professional opportunities, will they pay attention to the old warriors, or does law school stamp out narcissistic upstarts one-after-the-other, constantly seeking to be right, or win above all other priorities?

Lawyers have clients, and we all must study the law which applies to our client’s story. By definition, the question before the lawyer is an obstacle or complication of our client which requires a lawyer’s assistance. The client’s pickle usually contains an antagonist represented by opposing counsel. This is the stock-and-trade of the legal profession. But there’s more of a nuance between the Main Character in the story and the Protagonist in the story. Lawyers who learn this difference are far more productive. The Main Character (Client) represents the audience’s eyes into the story; the Protagonist (Lawyer) pursues the goal of the story.

Law students practice debate and their professors fight circumlocution from the first day of law school; however, young lawyers don't even realize how oblique their opponent’s references will be when there isn’t much intelligence coming from the other side (as opposed to a law professor). What is the best way to oppose one-sided, unjustifiable positions? Surely it doesn’t include yelling, profanity, threatening sanctions, or discourteous behavior we called "Rambo" litigation back in the 1990s; however, sometimes as we go deeper into an argument, we only convince ourselves, the stronger we force ourselves over opposing counsel.

The way I break this down is just like A, B, C:

Adversity, conflict, or the disagreement of parties in a lawsuit (dialectical reality) is very common for any practicing lawyer. Often the facts of the lawsuit or the way the facts were communicated by your client put the lawyer in a bad position. After years of battles, a seasoned lawyer can survive with the professional perspective that “at least all I have to do is represent my client; I don’t have to take them home!” Older lawyers develop thick skin and grey hair on their way back and forth to the courthouse. Many times the lawyer just can’t take no for an answer; resulting in an inevitable argument and heated negotiations. Most people hate lawyers; but they’ll often tell you they sure like their own?! I learned early that this profession was tough, even though my dad said I'd never have callouses on my hands. It is better for the heart and soul to at least try to reach an agreement that is positive for both parties, although if it comes to a fight, we must do it well for our client.

[The Texas Legislature in their infinite wisdom recently passed a law labeled Senate Bill 534, adding to the lawyer’s oath of office set out in the Government Code, that all incoming lawyers who are licensed by the State to practice law, must also swear: (among their other constitutional duties) to “conduct oneself with integrity and civility in dealing and communicating with the court and all parties.” The bill was signed into law by Gov. Abbott (himself a lawyer) and took effect on September 1, 2015. Yet another attempt by the bar to make civil behavior among its members a cornerstone of the legal profession].

Belief in the position you must take, or the advocacy of the side you represent; the B doesn’t stand for blindness. Well-prepared lawyers know somewhat how the other side will argue, and they fight hard for their position, often against long odds. Reality has to be pushed into the sub-conscious sometimes and one has to internally and externally be consistent in order to be believable. It’s hard not to use hyperbole in place of logic; however if you don’t believe in your argument it probably won’t come across as credible. Yet there's the risk of cognitive dissonance; allowing our beliefs to acclimate to our argument, despite what is apparent. By pushing the opponent farther and farther away, the chances at reaching an agreement become less likely. Although many a lawyer has been deceived by their client, it depends on the case as to whether the lawyer really needs to know the truth; sometimes in order to pursue the goal of the story the lawyer merely needs to be prepared to argue their side and answer logical responses. It takes experience to know how much information is enough. A good example of this is the 1996 film, Primal Fear, with Ed Norton & Richard Gere. Trust me.

Consequences of the argument and the emotional or behavioral requirements required to become an advocate in a situation where the outcome of failure can be extremely unpleasant: I’ve known defense attorneys who take on a “God-complex” when defending a death-penalty case. It’s “Robin hood” taken to the extreme. One cannot always protect their client from their own misdeeds, or even injustice at the hands of the court. The balanced lawyer keeps an even keel, despite the highs of winning and lows of losing. Comparisons kill. Every case is unique, and hopefully in the end, justice prevails despite our flaws. The goal of negotiations should be to find agreement or at least try to find a solution that works for both people involved. Arguing a point just to be adversarial is unproductive, unfair, narcissistic. Each issue addressed is an opportunity to show preparation and the intellect it takes to apply the facts of the story to the law of the case. Law school exams cover an entire semester in one test. Young lawyers soon discover that exams mirror life. Sometimes a lawyer gets but one chance to make or break the case, so they must be vigilant and ready when called upon to argue. That's what is called the burden of proof. Often the case's outcome was destined, the lawyer merely secured a fair process on the road to perdition. The moral of the story is at times, that "it is up to the lawyers to make straight in the desert, a highway for God’s wrath."

Sometimes my dreams contain an escape from Viet Cong sniper fire in a Huey gunship during the Vietnam war. It’s not like litigation rises to the adventure of a firefight during the battle of Ong Thanh; yet, as if in the fog of war, sometimes I rise up from the smoky rice fields trying to strap-in fellow soldiers, wounded and bleeding, as the gunner sprays down a protective .50 cal. gauntlet against these deadly pursuers. Battle is battle, and the same fight or flight stress which affect humans physically and psychologically, manifests daily in litigators just as they did the young soldiers of Vietnam, although surely not as severely. As a non-veteran, are my dreams the result of too much war history, or do they play out in my subconscious the fiery chaos of the battlefield during the last stages of an epic confrontation, like a jury trial?

Finally, there is the topic of the consequences of the high-stakes, high-pressure practice of law which causes greater stress on attorneys as professionals than any other group. A 2016 trailblazing study of over 19,000 lawyers shows an alarming amount of substance abuse, depression, anxiety, and acutely poor mental health among all strata of the profession. Reaching a crisis point, and not being studied seriously in a generation, this study is frightening, and a stark dose of reality, especially for the young lawyers just 10 years or less into the practice of law. Cited here by the Texas Bar Journal (March 2016):

http://heinonline.org/HOL/Page?handle=hein.barjournals/texbarj0079&size=2&collection=texbarj&id=226

©Mark H. Pillsbury