Thanksgiving Thoughts: Friend not Acquaintance -- Leader not a Boss

Friend not Acquaintance – Leader not a Boss

A friend is the kind of person you can know for a short time or a long time, but the relationship lasts forever; partly because you can pick up right where you left off. Connections like this bond us together whether by affinity, or common values, or even enduring trauma together. An acquaintance is just a weaker version without the loyalty, love, or forgiveness. A friend puts up with your foibles, short-comings, and vanity. They like you because of the failures.

Acquaintances use you for networking; a friend covers your back when you aren’t looking. To me, a friend equals integrity; an acquaintance is temporary. I’ve experienced this deeply over the past year in various “reunion” scenarios and have written about it here at the New Rostra, previously (08/05/2013):

http://rostranovum.blogspot.com/2013/08/open-letter-to-class-of-1983.html

but it’s a theme that cuts deep and red. Many complicated endeavors come down to relationships, because humans require trust and intimacy to interact as we do our eyes, ears, and tongues; it’s just how we’re wired.

A team works well together because it realizes each person works to complete an important part of the objective; and without each person it is likely the goal cannot be reached. Football is the ultimate team game; when the television replay shows the choreography of an offensive touchdown, each player’s performance works out in super-slow motion. Teams have fun together easily, but when meetings are serious, or the tasks ahead seemingly insurmountable; together they know there’s at least a fighting chance for victory.

A team may not all be friends, as I’ve described above; however, through their common bond of cooperation they can develop relationships much like a brotherhood-in-arms. Teams must have well-defined roles, strong leadership to steward the group through adversity, and a spirit of joy in the process that says, “I’d rather be here with you now, doing this job, than anywhere else along the line. Let’s do it!”

I’d rather have a leader than a boss. Someone who can keep vision and values intact, yet who has the grace and wisdom to let each team member exercise their God-given talents to the best of their ability; matching them to the tasks that need to be accomplished. Leaders inspire, bosses retire. Any leader will have to do the dirty “carrot-or-the-stick” work of being a boss; but they don’t have to slash & burn through the troops without understanding each teammate’s personal situation. To a Boss, you are a “direct-report” to be managed and manipulated. To a Leader, you are a person, a friend even; someone important enough to develop along the way in reaching goals because of the long-term perspective: leaders know there will be many more battles. Bosses look for the weekend, the vacation, or retirement, as their ultimate destination.

Valuing teamwork is easier said than done, and it’s one of the S.P.I.R.I.T. values my company takes seriously. My supervisor was a great example of a leader not a boss…

I’m thankful today for knowing someone in these ways every day for almost two years. He was more than a boss; someone I liked immensely as a person and respected inherently as a leader. I’ve survived some horrible bosses during other times in my career, many of whom were talented tacticians but challenging to work with. I considered this one a friend with the appropriate boundaries; the best of both worlds.

My current supervisor was special: capable, confident, affable, approachable, loving, funny, sincere, and most of all successful at leadership of our team; he was the rare talented professional who lived out corporate values in a real way, thinking of the team before himself and leading us into battle with all our respect. He will be acutely missed but we understand that he made this life decision with his family first, and the future of his career second; which meant he felt it best to move to another city. Commitment is really only permanent when it comes to family, I get that. Thankfully, the energy economy is so robust that such a move is possible; but it leaves a gaping hole in our leadership, turning a buoyant team-boat upside down.

I could write another post about the preeminence of change; how when you get comfortable doing something, watch out!? Change is coming; it’s the only constant in the corporate world today.  This broken-bone is going to take some time to heal; but I'm looking forward to the challenge 2015 poses. The best way to honor the memory of this two-year run is to imitate, replicate, encourage, and perform in the way that would make him proud; he would expect nothing more and ask for nothing less.

"God gave us a spirit not to fear others, but to be wise, bold, loving and sensible; enjoying our time with the people around us." 2 Timothy 1:7

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.”

~Laozi (5th century B.C.)

copyright(2014)©Mark H. Pillsbury

The Age of Dissonance

©Mark H. Pillsbury

Theo van Doesburg Dissonances (1925 image on canvas)


Assonance—vowels rhyming to have a semblance of the same sound, often used to represent partial agreement or correspondence.
(“He used the words penitent and reticence in the same sentence”)

Consonance—agreement of certain stressed syllables, often used to represent harmony or agreement among components.
(“It was a stroke of luck”)

Dissonance—musically inharmonious, or incompatible. Also represents disagreement, or a harsh variant.
(You think you are coming across one way but people see you in a totally different way)

Have you heard someone say on the street: “Doyouknowhadahmsayin?” or “Man, I know where you’re comin from.” Were these responses genuine or jargon? Continually bombarded with the ebb and flow of words, ideas, propositions, even sales pitches; how much sounds inharmonious or incompatible?

Unfortunately, even with various means of communication, so many channels to hear; are we really being heard? Dissonance keeps you from reaching people, and it keeps other people from reaching you.

I believe we live in the Age of Dissonance.

50% of all adults currently plug into social media, cell phone use increases yearly, and nearly 3 billion text messages are sent every day by US wireless companies. Communication creates the links necessary for relationships to flourish, nevertheless despite numerous channels and devices, dissonance regularly occurs.

"Why is modern communication so difficult?" says the typical adult.

On a closer level, humans strive constantly to know and be known. Incessantly communicating but failing to listen, communication varies in complexity and importance, the connections radiate out like a pebble striking a pond: close, constant, and outward into regular remote circles. But do we strike meaning with each chord? Is there agreement in the notes? The day flows like a musical score, the harmony naturally sought is played by the orchestra of our relationships; unfortunately we play from our own song sheet, not on the same page of our connections.

The three C’s of Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance—an emotional state wherein two simultaneously held attitudes or “cognitions” are inconsistent, or when there is a conflict between belief and overt behavior. Knowingly holding two competing ideals at the same time is like using a cell phone while driving, knowing that drivers using cell phones are four times as likely to get into crashes serious enough to injure themselves. The tobacco addict thinks, "Well, if smoking doesn’t kill me, something else will,” or, “Not everyone who smokes gets lung cancer."

Drive down any busy highway and look around at drivers; tell me that inattention due to cell phone use is not a major epidemic; or ask yourself if you “text” (or smoke) while driving when you have school-age children in the car?!

Cultural dissonance—sometimes unavoidable, nevertheless usually prevents streamlined communications in global commerce, as different peoples, customs, and languages struggle to work together with mutual understanding.

Corporate dissonance—often through a “roll-out” or a special project, the corporation thinks its employees have the same passion or vision as management; but instead, employees see the presentation as not consistent or unethical and do nothing to assist execution of the plan. Known as “dead-on-arrival.”

Opinion polls show that American business people are losing their faith in their country even as ordinary Americans are losing their faith in business (Economist 08/13/2011 p. 66).

An example of corporate dissonance is government recognition and celebration of the tenth (10th) anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks in New York and Washington DC. Passions caused by the tragedy have faded with ten years; however many patriotic citizens feel great pride in what we defend, the homeland security, and the safety engendered by fighting the war on terror.

The message from leadership is not harmonious with the grass-roots perception of the event, indeed the President is rejecting the resonant, visceral reaction to the tenth anniversary of 9/11 by attempting to craft his own rhetorical response.

The White House said, “A chief goal of our communications is to present a positive, forward-looking narrative,” despite the historical perspective of seeing 9/11 as a uniquely terrible event in time recognized ten years later and symbolized by a numeric calendar day.

Another government communications adviser said, “We need to make sure we’re speaking to a very broad set of audiences who will be affected by the anniversary.” Domestic 9/11 ceremonies will honor Americans killed in the Sept. 11 attacks but also “all victims of terrorism, including those who had been targeted by Al Qaeda and other groups around the globe.”

The government is communicating about 9/11 in a way which accentuates the broad idea of global peace and the wider struggle of all peoples against terrorists. By attempting to put a different spin on the event, the White House hopes to set the tone of the narrative as more global than personal, more positive than macabre.

This is incompatible with a precise focus on 9/11, which was one of the most violent and despicable days in United States history. In my opinion, this message is difficult to harmonize with the acts of the 19 al-Qaeda hijackers, and even a positive, forward-looking narrative set out by the President rings dissonant to the reflective, thoughtful citizens who lived through that terrible day.

©Mark H. Pillsbury